Jealousy

It happens most notably when I'm scrolling through Instagram. I'll see a picture and want to like it, but there's a tinge in my heart. Not a tinge of excitement, but a little bit of jealousy. It creeps over me, and sometimes (certainly not all of the time) I feel as if I'm missing out on something. Why don't I have her hair? Or that dress? Or that awesome experience? How can I make my makeup like that?

The guarding of the heart in this area of life is not for the faint of heart.

It requires armor. It requires a will for joy. It requires persistence in contentment.

And yet, at the end of it all God permits jealousy.

He what? This is a hard one for me to swallow. But I believe the Lord permits jealousy in our lives for our greater sanctification. Jealousy breeds discontentment; and as one working our their salvation with the accompaniment of the Holy Spirit, there is much putting off the old qualities of man and putting on that which brings life. Thus, we are to put off jealousy and discontentment and put on kindness, humility, compassion and contentment.

This morning I intentionally turned back a few chapters in Exodus to work through a different passage than where I actually ended up landing. I wanted to focus on the glory shining on Moses's face after the Lord passed by Him in the cleft of the rock. Yet, I didn't start in the right place. It is all about the context and so back a chapter I went. There it was: "-- for you shall not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God --" (Exodus 34:14). God is jealous.

But how can God be jealous, when I'm a little jealous of so-so? God can't be jealous because He is God! Just keep reading, Erin. Don't stop to think about that. Get to the veil. Keep going. But the Lord had me stuck there for a moment. He knew I'd been dealing with jealousy in my heart. He knew I needed a teachable moment, and it was found in the verses I'd never intended to read that morning.

Yes, our God is a jealous God. He is jealous for us -- the entirety of us. When I'm scrolling the social media outlet of choice and the tinge overcomes me, it's the same tinge He feels, except His jealousy is times infinity and a holy jealousy. When I'm looking at what everyone else has and wanting what they've got rather than being contented, He's doing the same. He sees me chasing after the things of the world for satisfaction rather than Him, and He is jealous.

Our God is jealous for our attention and desires and delights that find themselves resting in anything but Him. He wants us to look to Him and be satisfied. It's not in the busy schedule, the numerous commitments at church, the children, the career, the growing salary or husband; It's Him. He is our ultimate!

Though my jealousy may come from wanting the things that are not good for me in the moment, His jealousy comes from wanting the one He has created to be completely devoted to Him. And that... that is a good jealousy.

His jealousy is right. His jealousy is pure. His jealousy is for our good. Yes, our God is a jealous God.


And as we read the title to this post, we collectively thought of the Gin Blossoms.

He's Just That Into You

Each week I have the opportunity of serving a meal to a group of forty to fifty female cadets as part of a Christian ladies luncheon during their normal lunch hour. The ladies file in, grab their meal from the buffet, and then head to an assembly room for a brief message that focuses on principles of the Christian faith and their walk with the Lord. This past week as I was eyeing the salad bowl and debating in my mind whether or not I should add more lettuce and such to the bowl, I heard it. And then the debate in my mind switched gears - Should I say something? Do I interrupt? These girls don't know me.. do I have any weight in this conversation? An iron in the fire?  But the talk continued:

Female 1: I went home and bought it. It's a legit book. Stuff like that happens.
Female 2: Have you seen the movie?
Female 3 (who came into conversation late): Are you talking about "He's Just Not That Into You."
Female 1: Yes, It's so good. And that's how guys are.

I couldn't take it any longer and had to interrupt. I, myself, had owned the book at one point in life. I knew what it contained and easily convinced myself to throw the thing away knowing there was nothing biblical within the confines of the front and back cover.

These books - He's Just Not That Into You, Fifty Shades of Grey, The Feminist Mystique, just to name a few- are all steering women away from a dating/courtship that fosters the femininity of a woman and the masculinity of a man. These ladies who long to be in relationship wanted any nugget of information they could receive about the opposite sex and how to "reel" them in or know whether or not they the man was even worth casting a line towards.

As the remainder of our conversation unfolded, I had the opportunity to point these ladies back to the plans of the Lord for their lives, rather than them searching amongst a book written by a man who is not a believer for all the answers to their relationship woes. I needed to point them instead to the One who had written the very story of their lives.

And so, I will share with you. Dear one, if you are single, The Lord knows the plans He has for you. He knew you before you were even a thought in your parents' mind; He knew you before time began. How grand for us to even imagine! Some may venture to ask, "Does He truly give us the desire for marriage, or do we create that one on our own?" I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, marriage is a desire given to us by the Lord. We are already self-centered individuals as singles; therefore, it would be uncharacteristic for a selfish human being to desire to unite with another self-centered human being in matrimony, apart from the Lord's intervention. He plants the desire for marriage within our hearts because it is through the institution of marriage that He will show the world a picture of the gospel. Thus that desire for marriage originates from Him for His purpose of sharing His gospel.

Though this desire for marriage be present, it may not be on our own timetable. It may be years from now. Sigh. I know. I never wanted that either. As the twenty-four year old looked at me seemingly believing I did not understand her desire for marriage, I could only reply with a response of my age when I was married. I married Jeremy six months after I turned 31 and ten years after I thought I would be married. Though some may be older and still single, I use this example to firmly declare the timing is not our own.

"Erase my desire, Lord!," you may say. Yet as the clay cannot speak back to the potter, why would we fight against the One who has given such desires. If He has given, we must receive and trust that He will fulfill.

There is One who is in to you. He is completely into you - so into you that He gave His Son as your ransom. He put His wrath towards His one and only Son that you might live - live and be free, and live unto Him. Dear sister, because of this, rest assured that He has wonderful plans for your life - possibly a husband and family of your own, possibly a ministry you've wanted to pour in to, possibly a home in another country to share more of Him - whatever it be, He has you. He has your plans and will reveal them in His perfect timing. He has your future -- because He's just that into you.

An aside: I loved reading Passion and Purity and Quest for Love by Elisabeth Elliot during the season of singleness.

John Adams

I attempted to read David McCullough's John Adams back in 2014 but failed quite miserably. Failure was bound to the 600+ pages and a two-week check out limit by the library. However, 2016 would be different! I wised up and asked my mother-in-law for the book as a birthday gift. I was so sold on the book that somehow I managed to tell her it was called "James Madison", rather than John Adams. I attribute that mistake to the university of the James Madison that I stop at on the way back to the north, but I digress. When the birthday packaged arrived, endless possibilities awaited as well as the four some odd months it took me to read the entire thing. Nonetheless, the day came when I finally finished!

John Adams, a founding father of the nation and eventual President, was also a devout Christian. The story of our nation's history just excites me beyond belief- Hello History nerd! This book not only touched my history-lovin' heart but it encouraged me in faith. Adams was greatly aware of the Sovereign God and His role in all of life. The following are a few quotes Adams's letters as shared in the book:

"But all the provisions that He has [made] for the gratification of our senses... are much inferior to the provision, the wonderful provision that He has made for the gratification of our nobler powers of intelligence and reason. He has given us reason to find out the truth and the real design and true end of our existence." (McCullough, 42)

"It is an idea of the Christian religion, and ever has been of all believers of the immortality of the soul, that the intellectual part of man is capable of progressive improvement for ever. Where then is the sense of calling the perfectibility of man an original idea or modern discovery.... I consider th e

perfectibility of man as used by modern philosophers to be mere words without a meaning, that is mere nonsense." (Ibid, 591).

"The doctrine of human equality is founded entirely in the Christian doctrine that we are all children of the same Father, all accountable to Him for our conduct to one another, all equally bound to respect each other's self love." (Ibid, 619)

"I believe in God and in his wisdom and benevolence [he continued], and I cannot conceive that such a Being could make such a species as the human merely to live and die on this earth. if I did not believe in a future state, I should believe in no God. This universe, this all, this [totality] would appear with all its swelling pomp, a boyish firework." (Ibid, 625).

With that thought I close today's post. This world around us - these people we love - this God who makes Himself known to us - it would all be worthless if Christ had not died. Because Christ has died, we have this great hope. I agree, Mr. Adams.

An InLinkz Link-up

Book Club: No Other Gods Week 1 & 2

Clearly, I made promises I couldn't deliver. I promised a book club entry at the end of each week, but that just did not happen last week. Something called life took its place. Nonetheless, I am enjoying this study again. Yes, I am on my third rotation; however, the Lord's Word is applicable time and again. We are teachable at knew moments in life, so the study continues to be relevant to my life.

Some of the major highlights from this study:

• When it comes to worship, I try to create a diagram in my head where God is at the center and my life floats around it, much like the solar system. However, with idols of the heart this is not how my reality often plays out. The idols take center stage where the Lord should be - these idols that occupy my thoughts are body image, perfectionism, marriage, being a mother etc. I have realized over the past two weeks just how much of my thoughts are geared toward these idols in some form or fashion. It may be a stretch in some cases by 9 times out of 10 an idol/functional god is what is behind my actions. Minter uses a definition of functional god several times; the part that caught my attention is that a functional god is what "motivates us." Wow!
• I don't know about you but some of the Christian lingo still stumps me. What exactly does it mean to "put your identity in Christ"? Do you remember this being tossed around so often, yet no one really explained what it meant? This little phrase became quite the burden for me because I felt like I was constantly striving to PUT MY IDENTITY in CHRIST. After working through one of the lessons, the Lord showed me that my identity is already in Christ. That's where I stand. It's not something I have to go out and seek, but it's who I am already declared (1 Peter 2:9 and Deuteronomy 7). It's nothing we have to obtain because at our justification we are declared HIS - our identity is stamped at that moment. This Christian lingo that was tossed around all those years easily led to my confusion between justification and sanctification. I don't earn my identity. It's there.
• Need, Want, Silence of God and Fear are some of the motivators that push us to turn to idols. Sarah's need for a child. The Israelites want of a god. Our fear of "missing out" leads to uncategorical amounts of people-pleasing. For me, I was able to write out some of my idols and trace the "fear inducers". It's scary seeing all of your fears listed on paper, but it showed me how much of my life has been led by fears that further lead to a preoccupation of my heart that is not on Christ. Thankfully, the Word has so much to say about fear. God knew we would be fearful people (and why not? we live apart from him), and thus He provides much comfort in fear.

If you aren't doing this study yet, I highly suggest you take it off the book shelf and begin today. There are many studies out there for women; however, I truly believe Minter has a grasp on the Word of God and directing women to the Word FIRST rather than using the Bible as a secondary help. In all of this, sanctification is hard and touches places of the heart that we want to steel away. But our God is faithful to remove those walls, so He can occupy! 

Happy Saturday!

Do Over

The other night Jeremy and I were on the couch watching none other than Bachelor in Paradise. Now, let me say Jeremy is not overly invested in the show. He was watching because of the Chad bear. We will leave it at that. However, while we were watching I was reminded of some of the many dumb things I did to attract a guy's attention. Not just one guy; there were several in the vault that I had my eyes on over the years. I was a good party-planner and always knew exactly who to invite, if you catch the drift. As Elisabeth Elliot said, we all have our own bag of tricks.

In that moment, I realized how much easier life would've been if I'd just trusted the Lord to take control of the situation - to bring me the mate He had for me. Sure, that's how it ended. It ended with Jeremy being given to me as a sweet, precious gift and nothing I had to concoct or plan. It was finally God's plan that had poured forth when I came to the end of myself. I commented to Jeremy how much I would like to do it all over again. I believe there were moments that could have been avoided - moments where I might have been up for the chase or the challenge, rather than allowing a man to pursue me. Of course, this time around should I have been granted a do over would hopefully look different - more patience, more trusting in the waiting, more contentment.

Fast forward to this morning. Thankfully I don't have to do any of that over as far as the dating scene goes, and I'm able to wake up to Jeremy every morning. But this particular morning there was a lot on my mind. The wheels were turning faster than I could keep up with my thoughts. When Jeremy walked into the bathroom to get ready, the only thing I could do was cry. In his steadiness (The LORD knew I needed that), Jeremy reminded me that my thoughts can spin out of control but I can choose to trust God. The moment passed, and I continued to get ready. The Holy Spirit took Jeremy's words and paired them with the words I'd mentioned only a few days earlier - "I would do it over again differently." Each season brings an opportunity to trust God. The matter at hand may look differently, but the opportunity still affords us the chance to release control to the One we trust. In theory, we can say we believe.. but our belief system is fully played out in the practical. This means saying and doing the act of trusting.

While sitting at church this morning, I was thinking of the walls of Jericho because Jeremy was teaching from Joshua. The God who brought down the walls of Jericho is the same God who brings down my trust walls. He gives me a "do - over". He gives me a mulligan. Grace.

A Response to the attack on Dallas

Today's post is a bit late considering the attack in Dallas took place several days ago. However, it's taken me a bit of time to process my thoughts regarding this crisis in our nation. Even now, I have failed to fully investigate all that has happened. However, I do know the attacks were unnecessary and were primarily a race issue. I have friends from the Dallas area, and the events of early Friday morning have proven devastating. This is their neighborhood. This is their home. The comfort of safety has disappeared.

To be honest, yesterday I admitted to a friend my callous heart to the attack. Even when Jeremy came home from work on Friday, I was distraught because I failed to be in any state of shock or panic. I was confused. Though my heart is broken for those families who were effected by this tragedy, I could not muster the strength to be afraid. But why? Our generation has been stripped of any sort of feelings of safety. Our trust in the nation and humanity - gone. Most days I am thankful for this because it points me to the Father - who I can trust, who I can run to, who will lead me to Himself, who reminds me there is greater. Events such as the Columbine shooting and the attacks of September 11, 2001 have put up a wall for our generation. I believe we fail to trust easily. With one bad thing happening after another, yes, my heart has grown calloused.

How does this look for the believer? I realize the callous heart is not the appropriate response for the believer. The heart of a Christian is to be compassionate, mourn with those who mourn, and love. God is love. Apart from Him we are unable to know true love at all. And thus, my lack of interest in praying for the people of Dallas has been wrong. Instead of seeing a wounded, heartbroken city, my heart was previously steeled by the continued "let down of society" one time after another. Instead of looking at the hurting wife or the angered friend of a victim, I was seeing the general picture of rage and chaos of depravity Cynical, yes.

Friends and readers, my heart is for the broken hearted. The Lord has opened my eyes to our role as believer's here in this world. Though our home be eternity, we are called to be salt and light here and now. We are to walk alongside, encourage, support and love our neighbors - even if it means our neighbors are thousands of miles away. We are to look at our fallen world and know that a greater reality awaits those who believe- for those who believe in Dallas, for those who believe in New York, for those who believe in China. The people of this world are not basically good. Each of us are sinful and apart from God and are in need of the Savior, Jesus Christ. Everyone of us stands in need of the Savior - the victims of the Dallas attack, me, you, and even the former soldier who opened fire in Dallas.

Though our world be drowned apart from Him, let us be salt and light - being Christ in a darkened world. And to those who have been effected by the attacks on Dallas in any way, grace and peace to you.

I've Tasted and Seen: Expounding the IG post

"O taste and see that the LORD is good." Psalm 34:8

Jeremy and I decided to take a Saturday night stroll across the closest bridge to our house. The weather here is finally the stuff dreams are made of - no humidity, blue skies and bright sunshine. We've finally returned from our Southern respite of 2.5 weeks in the lands that are slower, more quiet and filled with family and friends. We were finally home.

I've been a ball of emotions over the last two weeks as I've seen many family members and reunited with friends left behind in North Carolina. On my IG post, I warned that I am not pregnant. The considerable amount of tears that have flowed down these cheeks have been in response to the Lord's goodness. Though I've seen Him work in wonderful, awe-inspiring ways, it is sometimes the simplest of things that allow you a greater intimacy with Him - morning walks with my mama; family outings for a downtown concert with a sunset to kill in the backdrop; stepping in the bath tub with sweet M so she wouldn't scream when the water washed her hair; the sweetest of friends getting a surprise engagement last night / the answer to many of our prayers; a husband who knows me better than myself; a road trip with a best friend where we didn't take a breath of silence; and familiar faces that I love because the Lord gifted us a friendship. There was much transition over the last several weeks as I lived primarily out of a suitcase, but I wouldn't trade it for a thing. 

To see the Lord's goodness in the smallest of ways has humbled me. I don't have perfect or even pretty days for the most part. Most days I never put on make up. Some days I don't even want to smile because I'm beating myself up about something dumb I've said or done. Yet, He is gracious. He is good. He is kind. And just like I can't have a small bite of a cookie and must instead eat the entire thing, when we get a taste of the Lord's goodness -- we desire it more. 

I am thankful for the Lord's faithfulness in our marriage. I am thankful for the answers to His prayers in the smallest of ways. I'm pleased to make those "sipping noises" as M pours me a glass of pretend tea. I'm grateful for a family that I have such a love for that I have a hard time of leaving them when I pull out the driveway. I am thankful today. I've tasted and seen...

All in His time

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

This verse gives us hope of all things happening in the Lord's timing, yet often we fail to acknowledge the reality of His timing. We want everything to happen in our plan of time - when and how we want it all to unfold. No greater time is the verse applicable than in the time I was praying for a husband and deemed the time as at that very moment for the Lord provide me a husband. Cue the tapping impatient foot.

Lately I've been scrolling through the newsfeed on Facebook and seeing several friends who have recently become involved in relationships. My heart leaps with joy for them, and I am genuinely encouraged by all that is unfolding in their lives. However, what I have decided to write about here is  just how the Lord has shown Himself to me via these young women becoming involved in relationships.

God's timing is perfect. PERFECT. I spent years praying for a husband. I am certain these women have spent more than a day also praying for the mate the Lord has for them. Though we don't know the end to which these relationships will take, our God has brought these men into their lives now. It wasn't because I was doing everything right; it wasn't because they are doing everything right. It was because our God deemed it time. I think back to all the wasted, yes I said wasted, hours of crying over not having a mate. All along the Lord knew April 2014 would be the time of introduction. Other desires of my heart were met in every way. Desires He planted in my heart, He also granted. The fret and the worry and the frustration built up to a moment that unfolded in meeting Jeremy and not a moment sooner. My point is this: we can not see all the Lord is doing, but if we trust He loves us (and He does) then we must submit to what He has in store for us knowing it is for our good - whether it is a trip to share the Gospel to a people in another country, a new job, a 6'2 man who loves Jesus or the trip of a lifetime.

I can't get over how God works all things to His good and glory. We don't understand His timing because He is not working on a timetable. A day is a 1000 years. But His ways are higher than our own.

If you are dating, trust in the Lord's timing. Trust in the moment now. Live in this moment, and live it to the hilt for this is His will for your life.
If you are single, take heart. The Lord is working 10,000 things at one time, and you may be aware of 3 (care of Piper). He has planted these desires in your heart. Surrender to the desires of your heart and be amazed. His timing will unfold. It absolutely will! I believe that. I'm believing it now as a wife, and hopefully one day a mother.

Yes, there is a time for every matter under heaven. It leaves me breathless. It leaves me hopeful. It leaves me at peace.

Summer Bible Study Options

Summer is just around the corner, and I can't wait! Several years ago, I would gather my friends on a weekday evening, and we would work through a Bible study. I treasured those times to still have the opportunity to grow in my faith with women I loved and the Word of God. Now, that looks a little different being so far away! But I'm thankful for Skype and the advances of technology to keep a study going with friends!

These are just a few options of studies I've done. Gather some friends. Make some lemonade, and study the Word.

I'm currently going through "What Love Is" with my friend Ashley. The words of John have never been more refreshing. 

Elisabeth Elliot's "Keep a Quiet Heart" is perfect for a one-a-day devotion type book. Read one of the excerpts a day. This is such a challenging book to rest in the Lord and not worry.

I found "Streams in the Desert" after reading another blogger's site. This is a daily devotion laid out by dates. This is for the person going through trials, darkness and/or suffering. This book shines the light of Jesus into our lives. 

On another note and for something a little different, Jeremy and I have been listening to classes from www.biblicaltraining.org. These are courses taught by seminary professors taught on very aspects of the Christian faith - Old Testament theology, Ethics, other religions v. Christian beliefs, etc.

Though time slows down, take advantage and dive in to a new study this time of year when you have more time than normal. You won't regret it! 

Stop Praying for your Future Husband

"Girlfriend, you better stop praying for a husband, if you don't write this boy back."

That's exactly what the fiery red-head, Mrs. Bush, told me as I sat propped up on one of her kitchen stools. She was by the sink and had been listening to all the essential details I was sharing about this young man who had emailed me asking to get to know me better. I'd been posted on Kelly's Korner three months prior, and he was just getting around to seeing the site. Of all 184 posts, I was the one he decided to email. He was an engineer in the Army and was moving to West Point. He loved God and had taken some seminary classes to increase His understanding of the Word and theology. He had two Master's degrees and was a former baseball player.

I, on the other hand, sat there browsing the credentials as a skeptical young woman- fearing a lack of attraction, fearing conversation, fearing the Army and fearing New York aka the distance factor. Mrs. Bush who I had lived with for quite a few months knew all of my fears and hesitations before I could even voice them. Though she knew them to be understandable and within reason, her boldest statement to date flowed off the tip of her tongue - "Stop praying..." There were more words to it than that, but I couldn't hear them. Had she really just said that? That's not in Scripture? How dare she?

Yet, I'm thankful for her harsh words and encouragement. For years I'd prayed for a man who would lead me spiritually, who would pursue, who was handsome and kind. To be honest, the baseball deal was not hurting his chances. My prayers were neatly written in a journal I'd been keeping since 2009. I was hesitant because I did not have the energy to invest in one more failed "go" at a relationship. Haven't we all felt that way? But Mrs. Bush was trying to show me that God had placed this man in my path for that moment. We didn't know how long he would be around or if a relationship would even develop. But the opportunity was there - a fine young man was there- and I needed to be open to what was in front of me. This was the Lord's will for me - to what end, we did not know. Her one-liner was not meant to sting me, but it was meant to show me that God was answering my very prayers with this man. I didn't need to ignore His answer, though it didn't come in the neat package I wanted (at first). If I chose to ignore God's gifts, then I needed to stop praying to receive them. She was good. She was wise.

And with that I emailed Him back. Surrendering the will comes in many different forms. I believe the Lord uses many circumstances to show us more and more ways where we hold up our own will against His. By emailing this suitor back I was surrendering my will of what I had set my boundaries for dating to be. I surrendered my plans and opened them to the possibilities of what God had in store. With that came much relief and much learning; much yielding and more surrendering.

On the cusp of this sweet man's birthday, to Jeremy I say this: You gave me the reason to stop praying for my future husband because in you my prayers for a husband were answered -completely and immeasurably more. I love you.

The Will of God

Discerning the will of God. It seems to be the hot topic these days. With our sermon on Sunday about Ruth 3 and taking steps of faith and then our small group discussion last night centering on this very subject, I thought I'd take a minute to share my own thoughts on discerning the will of God.

I used to be the person who would run to Lifeway and find a book about whatever topic was the struggle of the day - worry, anxiety, relationships etc. There were too many of those books, and I quickly realized the "help" books were not helping and needed to be tossed. I found I had quite the collection! I wanted the books rather than THE Book to help solve all of my life's problems and show me the will of God for the day.

I believe our generation, now more than any previous generation, has gotten caught up in discerning the will of God. Jeremy and I were talking about this very thing last night with our small group, and I believe he is absolutely right about this. I paraphrase: Our generation has over-spiritualized discerning the will of God to the point that we have an extreme failure to launch and are paralyzed to make decisions. I have added in the paralysis because I believe that to be true as well. The question was asked last night: Is asking if this event/circumstance is the will of God a bad question? I will briefly share my response.

I absolutely think it can be a bad question. I don't think it is a wrong question. I think it can be a good question. Let me explain I think it's good in the sense that should a concern or situation come up in our lives we should absolutely seek the counsel of His Word, pray about it and seek the counsel of others. If one of those three do not line up with moving forward, then I believe the Lord is directing elsewhere. If they do, then move forward. It's the will of God. (Jeremy loves Kevin DeYoung's "Just Do Something".) I think it can be absolutely bad when we ask this question for every decision we make in life (I exaggerate, but you get it). We ask these questions so much that we barely move (exaggeration again). God has given us a brain and created us in His image to reason, and thus that should be used.

What's the point of all this? The will of God is now. If you are a Christian and walking in the light, then God's will is playing out for your life at this very moment. Jim Elliot is noted for saying 2 important quotes about this: "Wherever you are, be all there" and "Live every moment to the hilt you believe to be the will of God." Folks, that time is now. You are outside of the will of God when you are walking in rebellion and opposition to Him. However, if you are submitting to Him and His Lordship the will of God is this very moment! It's NOW! - it's me sitting here typing this blog while my husband is at work. It's you acting on faith in the purchase of a house or a car or whatever the case may be. It's you acting on faith to take a trip and spend time sharing the gospel in another nation. The will of God is good and perfect (Romans 12:2b). Live this moment to the very extreme and know the joy of His will. I wasted too many hours that accumulated to days worrying about my life in the future - marriage, job, living situation etc. There are times when I even regret it. There were times I knew I would regret how much time I wasted worrying about this and that  (Still do!)

I haven't mastered this and I don't foresee mastery until glorification. Yet, the continual sanctification of the Holy Spirit is constantly convicting me of where my will gets in the way of His will. He shows me where fear prevents me from walking according to His plans. He shows me where grace moves me forward. He is sovereign over every area of life - not just the spiritual. If we believe that to be so and act on that faithfully, there will be a contentment and rest like we've never understood before - because we are trusting Him.

I'll end on this note. It's a passage Jeremy shared last night. I'm thankful my husband loves the Word.

The plans of the heart belong to man, 

but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD.

The heart of man plans his way,

but the LORD establishes His step.

Proverbs 16: 1,9

Let us keep in step with His way, His will.

Surrendering the will

On most days I don't miss Raleigh. On days that I do, I want Penn Station, Saw Mill, hazelnut ice-cream with chocolate shavings from Goodberry's, and a nice relaxing meal outside with my friends. Why is it that we are always looking to another place in time longingly? I don't long for the days to return to how they used to be because in those days, Jeremy was not with me. We were miles apart trying to make sense of the dating life. Now we are under one roof. Married. And it makes perfect sense.

Last night I laid out in the middle of our office floor with my eyes filled with tears. I was thinking of a year from now and having to leave this place where we are now. What the winter brings down, the sun of spring makes up for in the Hudson Valley. I was dreading leaving this circle of friends the Lord has so graciously provided. Jeremy reminded me of how much I didn't necessarily love this area when we first moved here. It was cold, dirty and foreign. Now it's familiar, cozy and ours. 

And then I'm reminded of this quote by H.E. Manning: Neither go back in fear and misgiving to the past, nor in anxiety and forecasting to the future, but lie quiet under His hand having no will but His. 

The anxiousness that flows from within is from my own attempt to manage my will. The selfish withholding of everything I am from the Lord. When we surrender to His will, there is more freedom than withholding ourselves. I don't know that thought has always tripped me. I've wanted to hold on to the things I've held dear, when all along He has had greater.

A baby gives up the womb and comes a part of the world. A baby gives up crawling to walk. A child goes from childhood to adulthood. We give up singleness for marriage and marriage for parenting. The thought pattern of the person who commented about this means that we are constantly surrendering one thing for another. The next thing is the greater of the two. When we surrender our own selfishly motivated will, we are relinquishing ourselves to the Lord of abundant life who gives every good and perfect gift. I don't claim to do this will. However, I have seen is grace in pushing me to surrender. It is for my best interest that I surrender to His will, as it is far greater. 

Making ourselves available to the will of God brings reward - of that I am certain.  At each change of pattern in my life, God has always been faithful. I can see that. I can tangibly remember His provision of friendships when I moved to Wake Forest, when Amanda moved back home, and when I moved to New York. God has met every need I've had in the most thoughtful of ways- every pairing, every friend has been one that I've treasured. He has always provided the jobs and the opportunities that I needed to live comfortably. And now as I'm living the life of a wife, He has provided the opportunity to serve alongside some wonderful women at our post Bible study. He fits the pieces together when we empty ourself - stand aside - and allow Him to lead.

If anyone should come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. Luke 9:23

Thoughts on God

** Thoughts based on my latest reading of Mere Christianity by CS Lewis and a recent conversation with my friend Holly**

"There can't be a God because bad things happen."

Though I will fail to present my thoughts in such a clear manner as CS Lewis, let me begin by asking how do we determine what is bad? How do we know that cancer is bad? There must be a plumb line by which we are measuring all things. This may be good. That may be bad. But deep within us there is a standard of how we are to know the difference.

This weekend while having a conversation with an acquaintance we were discussing the upcoming elections and moral integrity of many, if not all, of the candidates. As far as I know this person is not a believer. Yet, there was a clear measurement of what is moral for him. He was basing his opinions of morality on something. But what? How do we know what is moral and right and good - UNLESS there is One who is behind all of this, who has given us that standard within the very fiber of our being to know what is right and wrong; good and bad.

Let's chase this a little further. In knowing the difference between right and wrong, we are daily confronted with our inadequacies and failures. We may say "Well, I can't help it; I'm not perfect." Yet again, where is the standard for perfection? Our standard for perfection doesn't come from anything we have cognitively assembled in our own mind. It is a standard of perfection that we know to be true in the core of our being, yet we fail to meet. We daily become aware of the fact that we are failing to meet the standard of this Being. This Being is God who has created the world from nothing rather than our creation being based on the happenstance of some atoms just colliding together (who would believe that anyway.)

However, it is only when God has revealed Himself to us that we will begin to realize the enormity and depravity of ourselves due to sin and the need for a Savior. We will recognize the greatness of our being wrong and needing to be made right. We will recognize that there is only One who can make us right because in ourselves we are sinful. The One we must look to in order to be made right is Jesus. And when we are made right, we are made whole. We have been redeemed and the debt of wrong is corrected. We stand in Christ - forgiven, saved, and right.

When we understand that God solves our spiritual problems through Jesus Christ by gifting us eternity with Him, our eyes will be opened to the hope beyond this world. We can look at the world and say "Yes, there are bad things happening here, but dang! there's so much better to come!" I don't want this to be it. I can't believe this is how our lives are meant to be forever- full of pain, turmoil and sorrow. I look to the day of glorification where this will not be the case. We can't miss that. God did not promise here would be free of trouble. That's why He constantly pushes us to look toward eternity. In looking to eternity, we are able to experience joy here as we know that His promises will hold true and stand firm. He will redeem. He will rescue. He has overcome. And He will lead us in a triumphal procession.

One Tree Hill and Theology (again)

Jeremy and I are plowing through our seasons of One Tree Hill. Before we started watching, I told him there were so many times to the gospel that is blows my mind. He's theology-driven and loving brain seems to point out more things than I see. I don't know if any of the writers were believers, but I do know that our hearts long for redemption on all levels. This is often played out in the movies and television; we are created to be rescued.

I must give credit where credit is due. Jeremy pointed out the falling episode's relation to theology. It has had me thinking ever since.

In Season 6, Brooke takes in a foster child, Sam. Sam is a rebellious teen girl in Haley's class who is homeless and living in the shop class car. Though Brooke has already had a run-in with Sam when she shoplifted from Clothes Over Bros, Brooke invites Sam to come live with her - Brooke sees much of her teen years playing out in Sam's life. Brooke's wild and rebellious years like structure and more importantly love from her parents. Brooke wants to offer this to Sam in hopes of calming her down by giving her the two things she needs most. One night Sam has a wild party in the Brooke's store; everything is destroyed including Peyton's wedding dress. Whereas Sam wanted to push the boundaries, she now recognizes that she's completely wrong and due to be kicked out of the house. Brooke returns home to find Sam cleaning the dress and a bag packed. However, Brooke will not let her leave.

Brooke disciplines Sam. Brooke gives Sam three weeks of punishment for what she has done. Sam is shocked assuming she would have to leave after having messed up.

Don't we all think this way. I know I do. This is what made the episode stand out to Jeremy and me. We think that when we mess up, we need to run and cover it up. Better yet, leave. We know we've made God ashamed of us - think: Adam and Eve fumbling to cover themselves up in the garden. But God doesn't turn us away. He doesn't sever our relationship with Him. He draws us closer. He holds us closer, but He does discipline us.

Hebrews 12:6 explains this clearly: "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every one He receives."

When we receive the Lord's discipline, it should be of great comfort because then we know we are His children. We are all like Sam. Just like Brooke held Sam close though disciplined her, our God loves us unconditionally. He saves us. He redeems us.