Tuesday, October 18, 2016

You don't have control

Dear friends, I am not one who loves an ER nor a hospital nor a doctor's office, dentist office.. any kind of office dealing with my health. However, I have found myself at the ER no less than 3 times over the past couple of months for various reasons. Here's the thing: I don't want to confront the fact that my health may not be above par. I don't want any information to come across my path that would later suggest surgery or something tragically wrong with my body. The fear of illness is real. And yet, in I marched Sunday afternoon.

Early Saturday morning I woke up to some serious pain on my left side. I failed to awake Jeremy because I'm still in the mindset of "handling this on my own." Sunday afternoon the pain had subsided enough for me to go to work, yet right in the middle of a good cadet story I began to experience the pain again. When one prays for wisdom from the Lord about a health situation, all roads lead to the hospital. I truly believe the Lord brings me to my knees in pain in a health situation, so that I can turn no other way. And so, on Sunday afternoon I marched into the ER begging for an ultrasound machine to check the left side of my body. I needed an ultrasound machine because I knew there was possibly a cyst and needed an internal exam to check all of that.

I'm a baby. Drawing blood - I cry. Giving a pelvic exam - I cry. No husband because I asked him to stay home until further notice - I cry. Have no fear, Jeremy made it into the ER at just the right time. But while I'm sitting there with all uncertainties floating through my head - believe me, at that time anything and everything will cross your mind including possibility of surgery, possibility of infertility, the possibility of fainting/awkwardness/continual needles, etc-, I was very much so reminded of my lack of control by the paramedic who was ordered to draw my blood. He literally said, "You don't have control." And with that, I shut my mouth and no further questions were asked about drawing blood.

I'm confident the Lord was teaching me in that moment about control and fear. I am a big worryer. I want control. I would have probably volunteered to perform all blood work and exams myself had they let me. But that wasn't the case. In that moment I had to relinquish control to those who excelled in the medical field far more than I ever will - Let's be honest, I don't know where most organs are in my body. God reminded me that I have to trust Him - Not only in this situation, but in life in general. I don't have to ask a million questions because that's not my role in life. My place is to submit to the One who is in control and let it be. Let His will be done. That evening, my lack of trust and desire for control played itself out in my questioning the nurses every move. That evening, however, I learned more about myself and the need for me to submit to the Lord in all areas of my life. He is the good Shepherd and will take care of me. I have to trust that and hold on to it with everything I have. The One who does have control can see all that is ahead of me. And that's where I need to rest easy.

Now, I did eventually have an ultrasound to find that I did have cyst. This cyst is larger than normal but is not abnormal and should disappear within the next couple of weeks. I learned in Health class yesterday (aka my visit with the doctor) that women develop a cyst in their ovaries once a month. It's just a fact of life they don't teach us in high school health class. Moving forward- everything looks to be healing appropriately.

The humor of the entire visit was when the doctor sent me to use the restroom after one of my exams. Seeing as how I was wearing ballet flats that day and was prepped for all exams, I was no longer wearing those shoes and was barefooted. I looked over my shoulder as I headed out the door and said to Jeremy,  "I feel like Britney Spears going into the bathroom without my shoes on." And surely, if Britney can survive 2007, I can survive this pain - Because for me, my God is in control.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you during your health issues! God has been teaching me lately that I'm not in control either, and as much as I want to fix things on my own, He has a plan.