Wednesday, May 9, 2012

My Real World

The birthday evening ended in tears. I simply went to bed because I didn't want to be crying anymore. There's a story. There always is.

At the base of a story, a girl's desire is to be loved, to be wanted, to be pursued. Whether you like the word or not, a girl wants a boy to want her. For whatever reason, I seem to always end up liking the ones who don't want me back. Now, you may shrug that off, or simply say, "Get real, Erin." But I am getting real with you this very minute.  I know that I present myself as a happy, cheery, looking for a party always. And most of the time I am. But it's in the quiet where my mind begins to doubt the good and faithful God who is my Heavenly Father. I look around and see all those with boyfriends and husbands - I think to myself, Am I ever going to have that moment in life? Will my prayers be answered? Do I have too many expectations?

In the past two years, I have gone on dates/hangouts, whatevers with a hand full of guys [great guys].. some I have liked.. really liked.. or not cared for much at all.  In the end, relationships have not developed. Inevitably, it has left me wondering... is something wrong? Am I missing what they're looking for? I'm not asking for your encouragement here, so bare with me on that one. During these times I have consistently had a prayer journal for my future husband [and still do!] Every now and then I write out these prayers to the Lord either for my future husband or myself in waiting. I have yet to mention any of these "dates" in my journal. My journal is my prayers to the Lord, and I hope to give that journal to my husband on the day of our wedding. It is then that those prayers have/will be answered.  This journal reminds me that I must present my desires to the Lord... and to Him alone.

What I am trying to say is this. What may look to you like a composed Erin, isn't always true. Sometimes deep down I am broken, hurt, vulnerable, questioning, doubting.  The Lord has been faithful to mend when needed. Though that was a longer process than I would have liked to endure. And He continues to direct, as long as I will listen. This is why my birthday ended in tears. I was told to move on from a fella I was holding out hope on. Definitely not the words you like to hear. But I know that the ones who told me were doing so out of love, knowing that I deserve to be desired and sought after. It is crushing to hear those things, but I was reminded by a faithful friend that the Lord is hearing my prayers and preparing to answer them.

I was also reminded this morning in Psalm 23 "He makes me to lie down in green pastures." What we always think is better on the other side, The LORD gives us the green pasture right where we are as long as we are willing to dwell in the land He is giving us. How faithful is He even when we feel like we are lacking.

PS- My Birthday was AWESOME filled with wonderful treats!

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