Wednesday, January 18, 2012

This is a part of me.

Last night on the way to the airport, I told Lindsay that I was "teetering" on writing this post. Yes, I used the word teetering.. I can't believe it myself.  I think I have been on the edge about this post because it exposes me. It exposes my vulnerability. It exposes my lack of faith. It exposes sin.  Now that I have you wondering, I'll begin.

Although I may walk around seeming rather confident in life, in myself, in Christ, I am far from it. My biggest battle is singleness.  I went to school for 7 1/2 years and now have a BS in History and an MA in Women's Studies. I completed those degrees because I knew that was what God was leading me to at those times.  Underneath it all, my desire has been to be a wife and mother. I don't desire a career in the sense of 9-5. I desire a career that requires 24/7 of me to love and serve my husband and family. My greatest fear/doubt is that I will never see that happen in my life.

Now, I[we, because I know there are others out there] could easily be like the Israelites and shake my fist at God demanding that God work in the way that I want - demanding the manna and quail and water. We could easily say: God, why aren't you giving me this? Why are you dangling this in front of my face? Those, however, usually aren't the questions that bother me.  What bothers me most is the brain game that Satan likes to play.. suggesting that I am not good enough. That I am lacking in some way.  Colossians 2:10 "In Him you have been made complete!" What bothers me even more is that I don't trust God in those moments. I doubt His goodness, His plans, His sovereignty, His faithfulness. I go rounds and rounds rationalizing, analyzing, trying to figure life out. When all He wants me to do is TRUST Him. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him. And He will direct your path." Prov 3:5-6 Trusting in God with all of our heart should not leave room for anxiety or worry.

To those who constantly say, "We just don't know why you don't have a boyfriend." Thank you. I realize that this statement is to be served as a compliment. Thank you for considering me to be a godly woman who should be sought after by the opposite sex. Oftentimes, I don't feel worthy of that compliment because if you knew the little faith I have and the small trust I have in who God is... You would think I was a piece of work. But thank you.

My encouragement is in the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Not at any point did Rebekah pursue Isaac. But she was diligently serving her family by going to the well to retrieve water. She served Abraham's servant by providing water for him and the camels.  The encouragement is that Rebekah was doing exactly what she had been called to do. She was serving the Lord with a glad heart, a willing heart. God was the one to provide her mate in the completeness of His time.  BUT with all of that said...

In the end: You are not lacking in any way. You are not too much or too little. You are exactly who You are created to be. You are complete in Christ. He is faithful.  He has a plan that He is working on specifically for you. Something greater than we will ever be able to comprehend. You are a daughter of the King, who is loved and treasured by Him. God is good, and I am thankful that He holds on to me.  I am thankful for what He is teaching me. I am thankful that He treasures me so much that He would give His Son for my life. I am thankful to be in a relationship with Him and to be loved by Him!

This is my life.. and this is what He is teaching me!

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