Comparison and Morsels at the Table

I'm going to make a confession. Normally, this isn't the place for great confessions. But today I need to make a confession, so I can most appropriately tell you some things the Lord is teaching me.

Confession: I have a terrible problem of comparing myself with others. I compare hairstyles, outfits, Christmas decorations, weight/size, and sadly Christian walks. I hate every minute of it. It leaves me with no joy. You know that quote - "Comparison is the thief of joy" - It rings pretty true. 

Don't get me wrong. I love my life and am thankful for my size, my clothes, my hair, decorations, and walk of faith. But let me be honest, I don't have it all together. What you get here on this blog are thoughts processed. They have been worked out - "fleshed" out, if you will - and you obtain the final product. You don't get the ugly mind game and back and forth and maybe every so often the tears that come before this final product. So please keep that in mind .. always.

After having a dose of Dr. Phil yesterday and then an article from Desiringgod.org and then reading a few Christian celebrities and their testimonies, I was left this morning feeling quite "blah" or "bleh." It went something like, "that Joanna Gaines has it all together. She's rock solid in her faith and here I am grabbing for morsels at times." (Thank you Lord that morsels at His table are far better than the buffet of hell.) You catch my drift huh? I wish I could say that I immediately turned to the Word and prayed or journaled to help me work through the F-u-n-k. But I didn't. Instead I decided to taskmaster my way through the kitchen and make 3 dozen cookies, a batch of brownies, and some red velvet cupcakes. (All of which are being given away.) And here I am baking away and allowing my mind to go to distant places. But what ropes me in? What lassoes my thoughts in - This verse:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should not look to your own interests but also to the interests of others." Phil 2:3 --- and then 5-11 are great too!

That deep comparison have coursing through my veins is ugly. It's uglier than ugly. It's really pride. Because I want to be the one that everyone else compares themselves too. I want to have the rock solid faith and the booties with skinny jeans and legs for days. I want to love my husband every day without every getting mad. #truestory #butisntgoingtohappen.  The Lord so sweetly showed me the pride of my heart. The desire to be first in the kingdom just like His disciples arguing. In the lines of Phil. 2:5-11 He showed me just how by comparing my faith with others that I'm looking to myself to merit favor with God. In my head and those distant places, I make faith a race where I want to win the prize and stand before God saying "See my medal! I did it!" 

And the gospel and Jesus and my sin lasso me in. Those distant places fade quickly in the lighthouse beam of the gospel - where fear nor pride can stand. The gospel grounds my comparison because it's all grace. No clothes. No size. No good deeds will get me there. Only Jesus. 

And only in Jesus can I rest. 

Thankful for the morsels that I can savor at His table. Those morsels are the manna of heaven.