Thursday, October 15, 2015

Not a Decade Late

I'm currently staring at my bridal portrait. My arm is draped over my mom's kitchen chair. I'm wearing my ivory wedding dress. And I think, is that really me? Even last night, while eating with Jeremy, I had to stop and say to myself, "I'm married to him now." All of this is hard to sink in for me.

Years ago I had hoped to be married at a younger age. Ten years ago I became a girlfriend for the first time ever. There were no beaus to boast about from the elementary or junior high years. Not a love note was exchanged. Even at that age, I wanted so badly to be like everyone else and have a boyfriend. Like I would even know what to do with that! But I wanted it so badly. I think that's probably when I began to question God and my insecurities mounted. Looking at it now, I see my trust in the Lord hung on whether or not I was dating or married.

My single years were hard for me. There wasn't a conversation to be had with girlfriends where our desires to be married weren't expressed. Going to church on Sunday became difficult. In truth, Sundays were the hardest days. As I neared the end of my twenties, couples paired up and married. Leaving few singles. My church was family-oriented. Children sat with their parents. Wives worshipped with their husbands. Most families came home to a meal they shared with loved ones. A lot of times I came home to an empty apartment (if Amanda was working) and warmed leftovers in the microwave. There were many times when I found myself crying on a Sunday afternoon and venturing to Mrs. Bush's house since she was the closest. We all wanted to be married.

Though my greatest desire was to be a wife and have children, there were other desires planted deep within my heart. I had a desire for missions and travel. I wanted to be heavily involved in my church by volunteering in different ministries. I loved my friends. I had goals for my running. I wanted to see my family often and relax in the country. I wanted to pour myself into others and be poured into. 

There were so many things my heart desired to do yet I was clouded by the BIG one of being married. I see now how lovely God's timing truly is by meeting my other desires first before meeting my biggest desire. Though none of these desires are done away with simply because I have a husband, my desires will change in the confines of this relationship. God wanted to meet the other desires, and meet them to the full before He had me marry.

He met them to the full - so full that it leaves me breathless. God allowed numerous opportunities to travel with friends and the time to go on a mission trip a year. I have seen parts of the world that I never would have imagined when I was 21. I've met more people and had dinners with girls that have brought such encouragement to my life. I ran many 5KS, several 10Ks, and 2 half marathons. He met my desires to the full.

The timing of our Lord is perfect. He is showing me this every day. 
I began writing a prayer journal for my future husband in 2009 and was able to give that to Jeremy on our wedding day. I even had to transfer my first journal to a larger one because the pages filled up quickly. Can you imagine the devastation when that first journal was done? I thought I would've been married sooner. But He was not a decade late. 
Also, Jeremy was engaged prior to our meeting. However, his previous fiance called off the engagement shortly after the proposal. On Valentines Day of 2014 I prayed for an hour about my future husband on the long ride to SC. I asked God to protect him and whatever he might be going through that day. On Valentines Day 2014, Jeremy's prior engagement was called off.
In 2007 when I came to seminary I had the desire to get to NY and work with college students. I interviewed and applied for several positions or internships. However, it didn't work out. I thought the desire was forgotten. But it wasn't. This past Tuesday night (eight years later) I was sitting in an auditorium for West Point's BCM where Jeremy is the officer sponsor. I am in tears now thinking about the Lord's goodness to me.

I write all this to say, rest in the Lord. Rest in His timing. Trust His timing. It is perfect. He is placing desires on our hearts and will fulfill them. Examine those desires. Call out those desires. He gives them. Wait for Him.

We, unfortunately, live in a time where trust is hard. But the victory and peace that come in trusting in Him is greater. Last night Jeremy encouraged me more to trusting God and not my own faith. This was/is a continual reminder of God's faithfulness.

Great is thy faithfulness Lord unto me.
He is not a decade late.


  1. Another gift to my heart that the Lord knew I needed. You are truly a gift as well!

  2. My friend, I am so so so happy for you. You are an inspiration to so many. Thank you for writing!

  3. What a testimony you have! It's so difficult to be content no matter what stage we are in in life. I feel like I spend a lot of life looking forward to the next stage (In high school-ready to graduate, in collge-ready to have a job, married-ready to have kids, etc.) It's such a struggle! But your words are inspiring because God's timing is perfect!

    I also wanted to share and I hope I don't come across as belittling your feelings because that's not how I mean it. It's just funny how "the grass isn't always greener." As someone who got married young, I look at you and am jealous of all the adventures you've been on and all the traveling you've done and just the time you had to be independent. I guess that just continues to show how our hearts are naturally inclined to discontentment. :)