Tuesday, July 7, 2015


"Even the darkness will not be dark to You..." Psalm 139:12

In the world of social media where we can filter our pictures, stage just the right picture, and delete the picture if we don't agree with it, we are pressured by the world and ourselves to put the best foot forward. As transparent as I try to be here on the blog, I realize there has been a segment of my life that has missed out. I've hidden it. And what I want to do is share just a little bit about my life that hasn't made it here. There are several reasons why I've decided to finally share. During this time of my life, my comfort was in finding others who felt the same way. My comfort was being led to Scripture and other blogs that made me feel less crazy and to understand that I wasn't the only one. I'm not airing the dirty laundry, but am hoping that if you go through the dark you will find comfort that you are not the only one -whatever your darkness may be.

At the beginning of the year, I decided to take birth control to help with my mood swings. This was the only reason. I've always had the anxious side of life. However, the pill took a giant swing and batted me all over the place. The first three months of 2015 were dark. I cried more than I ever did before. I questioned so much of my faith - who is God? why does this matter? why does faith matter? am I a Christian? Though generally a deep thinker and worrier, the side effects of the pill took all of this to a level that was frightening. The anxiety was frightening. It was a crazy several months, but it was good. It has been good; it continues to be good. 

My sweet fiance was my help during this time along with a myriad (good word) of others who were constantly praying for me. My sweet mama listened to me cry over the phone just about every day. Hard would be the word I'd describe this time in my life. What made it harder was that I did not understand why I was questioning so much - and still don't. I know the hormones were a nice catalyst; however, I think there was a greater learning experience awaiting me. I recently read that when a circumstance happens where sin is not involved God is using that for our refinement and growth. The darkness was for my growth and is for my growth - because I'm still growing. 

The One I was questioning was the only One I turned to constantly.
The One I questioned was the One I poured my heart out to all day long.
The One I questioned was the One I loved because I cared so much.
The One I questioned showed me His love through sunsets, sweet friends, and sunrises.
The One I was anxious about was the One I could turn to in my anxiousness.
The One I doubted answered my prayers to loving His Word and finding time to read it.
The One I doubted showed me the love of my fiance.
The One I questioned showed me the answers to many other prayers - to the smallest of gaining an appetite back.
The One I questioned has been my light.

Even in the small and long moments of darkness, He was there. Reading in Genesis the other day, I was in awe of how the Lord when searching for Adam and Eve. He said "Where are you?" He's seeking us and pursuing us. Even when the darkness seemed all around, He was gently saying "Where are you?"

In those darkest of days that I shiver to even think about, the Lord led Jeremy to propose to me. When I thought I did not have it all together and was at my worst, the Lord simply whispered to me "Your plans are not my plans for my plans are greater." Yep. Wow!

"For we walk by faith, not by sight - " 2 Corinthians 5:7

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