I'm Tired

I'm tired.

Not a day goes by where I don't say those two small words. To be more correct, it is actually 3 words. The whole contraction thing throws it off. And yes, I had to Google it up to remind myself that "I'm" is indeed a contraction.

"I'm tired" is what I told Jeremy on the phone last night.

I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not.
I'm physically tired.
I'm tired of running away from fears.
I'm tired of being afraid of who God is and His plans.
I'm tired of my legalistic mindset and working so darn hard.
I'm tired of hiding behind a facade that I can be all things to all people; Paul I am not.
I'm tired of sleeping.
I'm tired of running around like a chicken with her head cut off. That's for real.
I'm tired of just not being Erin.
I'm tired of all that comes with being a girl. - that emotional roller coaster.

But I guess tired is a good place to be in. The opposite of tired is what I'm assuming to be full on energy. I'm tired of being tired. Does that make sense? And if one is tired of being tired, then she's gotta do something else. Or, not do something for that matter. And so, I'm thinking this is what that looks like:

I'm going to be me.
I'm going to stay up a little longer and get up a little early.
I'm going to confront my fears. Not the snake fear, but other fears.
I'm going to run towards God with every ounce I've got.
I'm going to attempt to stop working and pray for grace.
I'm going to be Erin to all people.
I'm going to stop. - or at least do my best to stop.
I'm going to fight these emotions. The good, the bad, and the uglayyyyy. And by fight I mean.. they won't get the best of me.

There is a sweetness to being tired. Tired is the default mode of weak. I'm weak. On all fronts. And that's okay. It's okay if I want to cry. It's okay if I want to dance around the living room or jump down the stairs. It's okay if I want to lay down in the floor. Tired looks like a lot of things. And I'm okay with that.

The tired has been used for good and is being used for God. He's showing Himself and I'm looking. He's taking my breath away and I'm gasping for more air. He's humbling me, and I'm crying in the floor. Because He is that good, when I'm tired.

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On a completely different, unrelated note: I completed a quiz on BuzzFeed and successfully proved that I do, in fact, know the lyrics to Sum 41's "Fat Lip." Yes, indeed.