Sunday night I was not feeling life. We've all had those moments. And I think you'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't. For me, it's the moments when you come home to an empty apartment after going to church, running your Sunday errands, and picking up lunch, and then you realize - This could be my life... Forever. Disclaimer: Oh heavens no, I'm not depressed! I love lots of things about this little life I'm living!
But it is about that little moment of reality, and you're like "It's all quiet in here, and I don't have anything to do. And it's just me, and I may never get married, and I 'll just have to learn to hang out with myself. And this might be my life forever - quietness and all, so I've gotta deal." I was having that moment. I think it's perfectly fine to have those moments. I wasn't hating God but realizing more so, that I HAVE to trust Him alone. I am certain that this very month in my life -all of July 2013- has been about growing in dependency on Him. It's been a beautiful thing really. But I cried a few tears explaining myself to Amanda during our walk to the grocery store about all of my thoughts that afternoon- Looking all of a mess by the time I arrived at the Lowe's. It's real life. And I have those questions daily. But those questions daily teach me. They teach me more about not seeking a relationship for companionship or fulfillment and not putting my joy in friends or having plans or parties to make my life roll. Those questions teach me to rely on the Lord for strength and contentment and rest. And it's oh so hard, but He is steadily leading the way.
I decided to not sit at home for the remainder of the evening and venture over to Wake Forest to see Mrs. Bush. Now that I've moved further into Raleigh, Wake Forest seems like the other end of the world. But it's a good part of the world that I feel right at home in, especially in that little house on North Main. In true Mrs. Bush fashion the evening was lovely, so she suggested a ride. I've been on one of these rides before. We let the top of her Mustang down and just road through the country. We did not have a plan (see Type A post) but I was okay with that tonight. Here's the point: Mrs. Bush points me back to the Lord like know other person I know in this tiny little Triangle I live in. I know that God pushes me to her and to spend time with her when I am wrestling with Him. Those two hours of riding with her reminded me of the rest we/I need - physically, mentally, and spiritually. When we rest in Him, our contentment grows. We know nothing else, but Him. We seek our fulfillment in Him.. knowing that He will be our shield and our very great reward. Yeah, the quietness in the apartment that afternoon was not what I wanted. I did not want to be alone. But the quietness of our cruise through much of the countryside east of Wake Forest was just the quiet I needed. - I was relaxed in the greatness of my God seeing the changes of the sunset, the green fields, the ponds, the dirt roads.. It just screamed to this Southern girl's heart. It said, "I haven't forgotten you. Rest."
PS- The title of this blog is appropriately named "This is My Life" - the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Good stuff. I wish I had a Mrs. Bush in my life! God is faithful. Love you, Gandy!
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