Sometimes I think .. Am I hearing that voice? I go back and forth with that one a lot. There can be some crying and possibly even begging just to hear a word from God. I even get jealous when people talk about how God has spoken to them. I'm just being honest. I don't want God to be silent in my life. I am a talking kind of girl. I like to talk to people and talk often. That's changed my prayer life a bit too. Because why withhold from God? I feel like I should just be honest before Him and tell it all to Him - even to the silliest, most small thing a girl could ask for. I find myself even saying, "God I know this is crazy.. but I'm telling you this ------- " and so goes the conversation.
The voice is quiet, and I don't always hear it. But sometimes the light bulb goes off, and I realize God's voice in it all. There has been a specific prayer in my life for the past couple of years that I have prayed. I was thinking through some stuff last night. PSA: I'm a big thinker.. Too big for my own good. But I realized how that specific prayer is being played out in my life in this moment. Like I was on the outside watching this movie take off. I'm just sitting there contently with my popcorn. I'm also the main actor who doesn't even realize what is going on. Is that weird? Yeah, I'm thinking I'm looking like Thoreau in this moment. Not even trying to go there, by the way. But that voice .. it's quiet and that's how He speaks to me. He shows me things and says "SEE!" Because I'm always thinking, He has to scream it with all caps and highlights and Bold fonts, unlike what I did here. But that's the voice.
This verse means so much to me because of the person that I am. I over analyze. I don't trust easily. I am skeptical -- aka -- another word for doesn't trust easily. I live in the land of unicorns and fairies, where it all works out in my mind. But I also live in the land where in reality it doesn't. It's that voice. The voice of God is behind me pushing this analytical, obsessive, frail, nontrusting girl forward. But it is also in front of me.. because He goes before me. I think about it like God moving the Israelites out of Egypt... He was all around them! He is all around me, and His voice is the one leading me. I don't know if God is working to completely answer this prayer to its finished end right here and right now, but I have to praise Him for answering it in the small steps... in letting me eat the popcorn and watch it play all before me. He reminds me that He wants to be the director of the story.
And HE tells me to, "Walk in it."
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