Getting to this morning, I told Amanda that I didn't want to be that again. I didn't want to be crying on the floor in the middle of our apartment having a repeat of 3.5 years ago. I want to be stronger and more together. Most importantly, I've grown more spiritually in the past 3 years than I have in my entire lifetime. That moment has crossed my mind several times today. And it's almost like a nightmare. I say a nightmare because I know it was me at my worst. I was angry, afraid, disappointed in myself, needy, was feeling guilty and on and on. And so I wonder.. why does God allow those moments to play on repeat like the favorite CD of the day. Yet, this is not my favorite.
I think He has allowed me to experience some of the same situations over again because of my inability to trust. That's right. I said it. I fail at trusting God. This happens more so in the good times because I prepare mentally for when it will all fall apart - failure at trust/not accepting God's blessings. Instead of letting a situation be in the hands of God, I try to work it. I work it with all of my strength for it to have the outcome that I desire. When I start doing that, it is because I have denied the truths of who God is and have accepted the lies of satan. He only needs the door to be cracked, and the enemy will come right in for the take over. The result is a cycle of questioning and guilt that gets pretty ugly. The enemy wants nothing more than to turn our thoughts inward away from God and His purposes.
The definition of trust is a firm reliance on the integrity, ability, and character of a person. It is a dependence on that person and their integrity. I have been quoting Proverbs 3:5-6 just nearly all day long. It's my weapon of choice right now. Trust in the Lord. The word is so easy to throw around. "Yeah, I trust you." or "I don't trust that person as far as I can throw them." But I clearly have not understood the implications of this word. To trust in the Lord is to stand solidly on the foundation of who God is. It is to trust in His promises and His goodness. It is to look back on past events and know confidently of his leadership up until this point. It is to know that our God is not a God of confusion and that in His will everything works for our good/His purposes. To trust in God means to depend on Him and not departing from that dependence. Because if that happens.. there's independence. -- To lean not on your own understanding. Our thoughts and understandings about a given situation can easily be faulty. Most of the time our thoughts are on our own and not aligned with the word of God -- this takes discipline. We/I try to rationalize and make things logical in my mind, but it mostly turns out being completely irrational and illogical. This is what the enemy enjoys. When we are relying on our own thoughts, then we are not trusting in the Lord.
I think I could write more but it's as simple as that last little sentence. God allows me to go through similar situations, so that I will learn to trust Him. He wants me to give it all over to Him rather than me trying to concoct something on my own. And being real, my thoughts wear me out y'all - and they easily wear our whoever I choose to verbally process with. Trust. It's simple.. and complicated all at the same time. But His grace moves it towards.. Simple.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways, submit to Him.
And He will direct your path.
Proverbs 3:5-6
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